The Undercurrent of Non Existent Momentum

Well, it is safe to say that I have not accomplished any of the previously mentioned goals I set forth two weeks ago. For that I am discouraged and unpleasantly existent ashamed of my lack of self discipline and feelings of self worth. Instead of decreasing my four bowls of pipe tobacco down to two like I had stated as a goal, this morning like most every morning before it, I stepped out to the side of the house and smoked my typical pipe in the typical way, at the typical early morning time like I have so often before. The morning sun was out and the ground and trees were damp from an earlier rain, yet like so many times before, I sullied myself and the surroundings with my smoking. Luckily, my young daughter was still asleep when I went outside for this activity.

Unlike my brother (http://frumpyprofessor.blogspot.com), who seems to have a richer, more rewarding, more care-free life than I could ever imagine, I fail at every turn it seems. I did not even begin a new exercise plan for myself. My bother smokes like a fiend, exercises like a robot on caffeine, lives life so much "larger" than I do, but I do not understand how to alter the course or path I am on. I am almost impervious to change, no matter how I would like to change. There is so much that needs to be changed.

a) I smoke. I smoke four bowls of pipe tobacco a day. At 41, that is shameful.
b) I do not exercise enough. I should walk (or better yet, run) five miles a day like my much older brother and my two sisters, but I do not. At 41, that is also shameful.
c) I do not live life fully enough. When I look at my siblings, all I see is accomplishment after accomplishment, joy after joy. For me, I feel I am a meek, little mouse, afraid of being crushed under the weight of the various larger-than-life elephants about me.

The rotating sphere of this planet seems to never align with my own psychic reference so I am always tilting and bending from the incongruent match. Besides the failures I have listed above, I am fearful that there are other behaviors of mine that are just as much failures of mine I am not yet aware of.

d) I may not love enough. What if I am not giving my wife enough of the love she deserves and needs? What if I am showering enough love on my children?
e) I may not perceive enough. What if I am missing so much that my life is flat and flaccid, my family's presence diminished?
f) I may not pray enough. What is enough for prayer? Perhaps God is angry at me for my miniscule effort, perhaps the hour I spend in prayer should be better spent in another type or effort in prayer?
g) I may not read enough. My living is from reading , writing, and teaching, yet what if I am not being what I can and should be in my career? Should I work harder and with extra diligence?
h) I may be a glutton. Compared to the famines going on around us in the third world, it seems my actions day to day are horribly gluttonous. As mentioned before, I have been (unfortunately) smoking four bowls of pipe tobacco a day, I have been (unfortunately) allowing myself two cups of coffee a day, I have been eating a small snack each evening and I have not followed my earlier plan to cut my portions down at each meal.
i) I may be selfish. In so many ways, in so may moments, I am not putting my wife and kids first, and I am not putting my students first, and I am not placing my university or community first. Instead, shamefully, I am putting myself first and that never should be. I need to be fully a servant.

I must endeavor to remake myself into a better man. I am weak and so deficient in so many ways that the momentum I need to find seems impossible.

Konrad